How to be a good customer.

16 August, 2006

– Closing time means closing time. Don’t enter the store 10 minutes before the store’s closing time unless you can get out in under 10. Seriously, do you need to buy galvanized nails at 9:57 PM anyway? Are you building your deck in the darkness of the night? Is it a secret deck? A ninja deck?

– The computer is rarely, if ever, wrong. If your card has been been run through the system twice, denied each time, that means it isn’t going to work on the third try. Don’t get mad at the cashier. It’s not his fault that you’ve shopped at five stores today. There’s a thing called a card limit imposed on your account by the bank and credit card companies. You have one too. Learn it.

– And the above goes for ATM cards as well. You see that pen by the touch pad whenever you run your card? You should use it since my console was made for the tip of a pen, not the inaccurate touch of your finger. So if the computer says that you entered your PIN incorrectly, you probably did. In addition, don’t try to use that pen to sign real paper. Nor use a real pen to sign the touch pad.

– You’re not going to get anything free just because it doesn’t have a barcode. Stop asking. Speaking about barcodes, make sure your stuff has them. Otherwise, you can’t blame anyone but yourself when you’re stuck at the register for 10 minutes while the cashier has to do research in order to find your items in the computer.

– Returns are done at the return desk. You know, the one that has the big sign that says “Returns” over it. Yes, it is all the way across the store. Sorry about that. No, I still can’t do it at my register.

– And yes, not everything in the store is ten steps away from my till. If you’re not willing to walk for 30 seconds in order to go to the bathroom, you obviously don’t have to go that badly. “In the back of the store”, “In the front”. These locations are not far away.

– Don’t try to steal from/scam me. I know what a fake check looks like. I will check inside/under items. I know when a coupon isn’t real. I’m not an idiot. I know what a thief looks like. “How does a thief look?” you may ask. Well, that’s easy. Like you, ya stealer. Honestly, it’s insulting.

– I don’t care what your total is. The fact that it ended up being a whole dollar amount does not mean that you have recieved a sign from God. It happens all the time. No one cares, shut up.

– The customer isn’t always right. The old addage is wrong. You’re right as long as the store is willing to let you be right. You cross the line, you’ll find out quickly that you’re wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate all customers. And it’s not even bad when one person does it. Just… try to avoid pissing off retail associates. They’re human too.

“This job would be great if it weren’t for all the customers. ”
– Randall Graves, Clerks

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